While at Ace Hardware yesterday afternoon awaiting a cashier to process my [important] purchase of Loc-Tite and screws, a fairly tame box caught my eye.  I’d never seen one in the flesh, but I instantly knew what I was looking at.  It was, as you might have guessed, The Slap Chop…  What’s that?  You don’t know The Slap Chop?  Really, that funny little device marketed by the guy who somehow convinces us that we’re gonna love his nuts doesn’t ring a bell?  Fine then, watch the infommercial first.

Now that you’re all properly acquainted with Slap Chop and Slap Chop’s best friend/salesman, I’ll continue on with my tale.  For $21.99 I knew I had to have it, so I added it to the basket telling myself that it was a hilarious gag that I would give to my mother.  Deep down, I really knew who it was for.  I got home and eagerly tore open my new friend.  After some assembly, which Vince failed to mention in his three minutes of blue apron glory, I started searching for something to chop.

A clove of garlic was the first thing to come into my line of sight from across the kitchen table; The rest may as well be history.  With a cutting board sitting happily under my new toy, I set down a clove of garlic and was ready to go.  Months of watching Vince work the device had trained me to use The Slap Chop not only as a small food processor, but as a personal defense weapon as well.  With a big goofy grin, I laid on the first chop.  Without looking at the results, I slapped off another chop.  After a few seconds of blissful happiness, I stopped to check out my garlic.  It was definitely sliced and diced.  Unfortunately, however, “the skin comes right off” might only apply to onions, as it most certainly didn’t work for the garlic.

Feeling my sense of novelty fading, I brushed off the instinct to set it ablaze and set up another garlic clove… this one I took the care to skin first.  A few seconds later I was looking at a diced up piece of garlic.  Something I’ve had the capability of producing for years, but have never had the privilege of using a $22 device to create.  A six dollar knife always felt more up my alley.

Now I got ambitious.  I added in some tuna, celery, and peppers.  Now attracting an audience from throughout the house I began chopping away at anything that I could find.  When I ran out of things, I simply made new things to chop.  15 hard boiled eggs kept me occupied for a while, and as I kept chopping, I remembered Vince saying how I would “be in a great mood all day”.  Damn, how right he was.  My girlfriend laughed when I first suggested that I’d do a few chops every morning to put a smile on my face.. apparently she’s not impressed by Vince, or myself.

After a couple of hours of chopping, a 45 minute video Skype-ing to my brother in Montreal, and another egg salad to last the entire NYC school system a full semester, I gave it a rest.  Now it was time to clean the glorious device, and Vince was right again.  The damn thing opened right up and I was able to get at the blades.  I must say, impressive build quality for a company called “Square One Entertainment”.

Its now been 24 hours since I’ve first cleaned and put away my now beloved Slap Chop and I’ll admit that I haven’t touched it since.  I’ll also say that I haven’t been in a great mood all day, so perhaps there is some truth to Vince’s absurd claims after all.